When I mentioned in class this week (yes we have been back to the studio for yoga and treatments since 13/01) that the reason we may see a coach, a therapist or a mentor is to have the “homeless” parts of ourselves met, there was a wave of wondrous questioning arising, followed by beautiful conversations after class.

So I decided to write a blog post about it and explain the idea of going from conflict to connection in a few simple steps. I will get straight to the point: in my work with 1-1 clients I am noticing this exact pattern: conflict happens when our feelings are not heard, seen or validated; feelings are caused by met or unmet needs.  The outer situation/observation is the stimulus/trigger for our feelings.  And the met or unmet need is the cause of it.

Big words and statements, I know.  Let us unpack:

Step one is being willing to understand this human concept.

Step two is the ability to recognise your feelings.  They reside in your body, your heart.  Hello, this is one of the main motivations for me teaching yoga.  To connect you with your body.  It’s innate wisdom, it’s intuition, our unconscious, it’s sensations.

Step three is recognising the unmet need underneath that feeling. This can be a bit tricky.  And that is where the therapist or coach, me, comes in. Together we can discover that unmet need.  This is the most impactful step.  I am listening empathically for your unmet need underneath your feelings, your story of conflict and disconnection.

Step four is recognising that your outer situation, for example the dishes next to the sink instead of in the dishwasher, or the lateness or the tone of voice, is the stimulus or trigger for your feeling. And the unmet need is the cause of it.

Step five is learning how to communicate this. Firstly to yourself, and then to the person or people in question. To communicate effectively and non-violently, there are 3 steps:

1. I feel…. State your feeling (s). I feel unappreciated. Or I feel sad. (when you leave the dishes in the sink, instead of putting them straight into the dish washer.
2. I need… State the unmet need you want to have met. I need to feel valued and appreciated.
3. Are you willing to… Invite the other person to be part of the solution. Ask for the behaviour that would be a solution for you. For example: Are you willing to please put your dishes straight into the dishwasher (not leave them in the sink) from now on. Or brainstorm a solution that is satisfying for you both.

Step six is celebrating you managed your first practice of peaceful, non-violent conflict resolution.

Of course this takes practice.  If it was easy and obvious, the world would be a more peaceful place.

If you’d like individual guidance with all or any part of this, book a 1-1 session with me. I have space for two more clients weekly in 2025. Together we can find a way for you to go from OK to Extraordinary this year. These sessions will incorporate physical and mental strategies to work on your mindset, communication skills and incorporate your connection to your body. Looking forward to working with you.